What Is It Like Being Married? A Couple of Reflections
Hannah Gay and her husband sit down to discuss married life.
It’s Saturday night. Bellies full of Chinese take-out and a three year-old sleeping in the room beside them, Hannah and her husband of nearly six years, Joe, catch-up.
Is marriage boring?
Hannah: “How’s married life working out for you?”
Joe: “I remember someone asked me that when we first got married.”
H: “What kind of response is that going to elicit?” (laughs)
J: “It’s literally no different to being in a long-term relationship. And I still think the same thing. Married life is just like being with your partner for a long time. I think if you're in a relationship with someone for say, ten years, I would say that you'd have the same kind of relationship as someone that is married.”
H: “Before I got married, I hadn't been in a relationship as long as we have been in a relationship now, and I remember thinking, ‘Oh my god - being with one person for so long, that's so strange…’”
J: “Daunted?”
H: “Not so much daunted, I was just worried about the boredom factor.”
J: “I think you've always maintained the theory that humans aren't meant to be with one person their whole lives.”
H: “Yeah.”
J: “I don't think that's the case. I don't think from an evolutionary standpoint that was always something [that existed] in the human mind… to find one person and to stay with them your whole life. But at the same time, I don't know… maybe it's because I'm traditional. I think once you get married and once you settle down with one person, that's the person that you stay with, and that's never been something that has scared me, because if you know the person that you're wanting to settle down with is the right one for you, that's not a scary thought. I think it's a scary thought for those who, a) haven't found someone, or haven't been in a long term relationship before, or b) they're with the wrong person, and they think, ‘oh shit, is this my life now?’ If you're with that right person for you, that's not really a thought that enters your mind.”
H: “The boredom… it's not a thing. If you're in the right marriage with the right person, and you have a fulfilling life, even outside of that marriage, you're fulfilled in a multitude of ways that don't equate to boredom. I think boredom is something that comes from a combination of things.”
J: “There are other areas of my life I get bored…”
H: “... and that’s what I find really weird about marriage, that we don’t get bored. But I guess, good for us!” (laughs)
Marriage and disconnection
H: “Do you think people get bored in marriages?”
J: “There's that whole roommate phase that everyone goes on about.”
H: “Yeah. I can definitely understand how that happens once children come into the picture.”
J: “And even without! Once you're off that honeymoon period and you kind of settle into your new life together, you live together… There’s also an aspect of: you come home from work, you don't want to talk to each other because you're so over the work day, you're so exhausted, and then you probably start to disconnect. So I can see, even without kids, that that can happen to couples. There have been periods where we feel like we're not connecting with each other because we're so distracted by our own shit. The other one normally pulls the other up like, ‘Hey, I feel like I haven't spoken to you all week properly’, and then we make that conscious effort to do an activity together, to just put the phones down at dinner and talk. I think we're pretty on top of that kind of stuff.”
Why get married?
H: “How would you describe our marriage?”
J: “I don't know. I don't know if it's something that I can really describe. It's not something we really have to work at. It's something that's always been easy. We've always been able to communicate with each other. We've always worked as a team in a lot of ways, and I think even more so when it comes to parenting. We've always kind of had each other's backs to work through it together and to be a sounding board; to be a voice of reason to each other.”
H: “Again, are there deciphering things about the marriage state versus the long-term relationship? Because I want to step away from the idea that, you know, obviously we're in a long term relationship, and a lot of people are, but what I want to get at is: why get married?”
J: “It's down to personal preference. I get why people don't do it. I think for a lot of people, it’s what makes up a part of the Australian dream: to get married, buy a house, do all that kind of stuff. And having a wedding is a way to celebrate that and to lean into that romantic side of you; wanting everyone that you love to be around when you're cementing your love for another person. It's the permanency of marriage, as well.”
H: “But you wouldn't say that our relationship, because we're married, is any more legitimate than an equivalent relationship of the same time.”
J: “No.”
H: “Do you think there’s a like-for-like degree of love?”
J: “Yeah! I just think it’s a personal thing for me, to be married.”
H: “You’re protective of that.”
J: “You have to earn the titles of husband and wife.”
Is marriage romantic?
H: “We are romantics. We know that about each other, and that's probably a factor in why our marriage does feel easy to us, because we see life through a romantic lens, and marriage naturally falls under a romantic lens in a social sense. Would you argue that marriage equates to endless romance?”
J: “No. I think marriage is a different thing for a lot of people. You know, there's arranged marriages, there's marriages that people enter to fix problems, marriages out of obligation. So I don't think it's necessarily love that drives a marriage in a traditional sense. But I think the further that we progress into a more diverse society, the less those traditions stand strong.”
H: “Obviously romance was a factor of us getting together. When we define the elements of what our marriage is, would you say that romance is one of them? Or do you think romance starts to phase out?”
J: “I don’t think it starts to phase out - it starts to take shape in different ways. Over time, and it could be from maturing into a different age bracket, life getting in the way, your own values changing, I think how that romance looks changes. If you see that I’ve had a hard day, it could be that you’ll think to say, ‘takeaway tonight?’ so don't have to cook.”
H: “That’s an ugly way to look at it…” (laughs)
J: “But it’s just a way of looking out for your partner and showing that you care; by alleviating something that you know is just going to add to how exhausting their day is. I think what’s romantic is showing that the other person is in your thoughts.”
Marriage is a perception of life, shared
H: “I found this quote in an article in The New York Times. I want to hear what you think of this:
‘Through our setup, I’ve arrived at a clearer sense of what an ideal marriage looks like to me: not one in which my husband and I are cocooned, gazing into each other’s eyes — as lovers are so often depicted — but looking outward, anchored in a circle of people we love.’
I really like this because I agree with the idea that there's comfort in feeling that you're facing the world as one. You sort of merge into this, not one human, not one identity, but this one perspective on life, you know? You have this same perception of what life looks like. And I think being with a person means being comfortably like-minded, so you’re not led to wasting time trying to find middle ground in life. And I think the longer we're married, the easier it becomes to just adapt to each other's ways of thinking. And obviously we don't agree on everything all the time, but because we have to create a life together, we work towards creating one that we both fit into comfortably.”
J: “And a life where you can compromise in the areas that you aren't comfortable.”
H: “As marriage goes on, or probably as any long-term relationship goes on, it becomes easier to do that. I've always had a very difficult time trusting partners in the early days, and now that we've been in a relationship for so long… the whole trust thing… it just doesn't even factor in my mind, certainly not in the same way.”
Preparing for marriage
H: “Is there anything you wish you knew prior to getting married that would have helped you along the way?”
J: “[From previous relationships], you kind of learn about yourself and you learn about the person that you would ideally be with so then you can very quickly identify what the right traits are in the person that you're wanting to find and settle down with. I'm also lucky coming from a background where my parents are still together so I've always had a good example of a relationship and what to look for and what works. And you can tell when your parents are off each other for whatever reason, how they navigate that and what's realistic. If couples get into hardships, seeing how they support each other through that even subconsciously, as a kid, it creates a bit of a foundation that's instilled in you as you grow up and enter your own relationships.”
H: “I was in a couple of long-term relationships before we got together. I certainly came out of them knowing what I didn't want. So, I taught myself more about myself, complemented by time spent alone in my twenties. Even though I was itching for a boyfriend at the time - simply because I’ve always enjoyed being in a relationship - I reflect fondly on that time as having ticked a box off the bucket list, in a sense. And so, I find marriage very easy now because I had that time.”
J: “Yeah. When alone, there's travel involved, there's friendships involved… interpersonal relationships that aren't romantic also teach you a lot about yourself. At work you learn a different side of yourself, like conflict resolution and all that stuff you learn in a professional setting, you can also apply in a personal setting.”
H: “Yeah.”
J: “I do feel that sometimes, when people value their alone time, there can be a tendency to close off when there's an issue, or when they're going through things, because they're used to processing them on their own. And they would prefer to be on their own because it's easier when someone else isn't having to be accounted for. There's two sides to that. One is that yes, it's definitely important to be by yourself, process your feelings, digest it, feel it for a while. But then, there's considering the another half of you as well. You could be shutting them out because you've said, ‘I want to be on my own’. So it's a bit of a balance of valuing your alone time, learning what you personally need, and being able to take that time to reflect and feel and all of those things. But there's also the other side of closing your partner off.”
H: “Do you think there were signs for us that it was the right time to get engaged? Should we have waited longer? Or did we wait too long?”
J: “Sooner? Than 25?” (laughs)
H: “At this age, it’s harder for women, because there’s that time pressure. Thankfully, being in our mid-20s, I didn’t feel that pressure (to start a family).”
J: “... and there are higher expectations.”
H: “Expectations around what?”
J: “Guys. Mature guys are harder to find (in our thirties). I wasn’t mature at all in my twenties.”
H: “So you think my expectations were pretty low?” (laughs)
J: “Not low, but different. Settling down with someone now, at 32, would be different to settling down at 25.”
H: “I honestly don’t know that it would be. I knew what I wanted.”
J: “True. And when we first started dating, you probably weren't thinking of marrying me.”
H: “No.”
J: “Your definition of what you wanted in a guy was probably what you wanted in a boyfriend. What you want out of someone that you want to settle down with is different. Those dating in their late twenties, early thirties are probably looking more for the qualities of a husband, not the qualities of a boyfriend, which is harder.”
H: “Strictly speaking from a heterosexual relationship point-of-view, you don't believe that men of the same age have a more defined idea of what kind of woman they would be looking for?”
J: “I think those that are seriously looking to settle down do.”
Marriage score cards
H: “Do you think you do a good job of being married?”
J: “I would like to do a better job, but I always want to do a better job in everything that I do.”
H: “Better how?”
J: “Be more present. Physically, I’m reasonably present. But day-to-day, mentally and emotionally, I’m distracted. It’s very hard to switch off and be as present as I’d like to be. I think that’s a big thing for me.”
H: “Any strengths?”
J: “I think for the most part, I'm very emotionally understanding and receptive. I do know when you need to feel heard; I'm hooked in and switched on. I like to think I've got the capacity to make people feel heard and am able to offer support.”
H: “Yep. And I suppose that can be hard, because that’s a personality thing, too - the distraction. But that’s part of who you are, and I’m used to that. And I wouldn’t have married you if it was a problem for me.”
H: “I don't know how to rate myself as a wife. It's a really strange thing, because marriage is just… that's just what your life looks like. Obviously I’m good at all the conventional stuff… loyalty… trust…”
J: “And…?” (laughs)
H: “We're a good team socially!” (laughs) “I think I’m a decent wife. I feel like I’ve let myself go though, physically…” (laughs)
J: …
H: “I’m comfortable… I live with a man.” (laughs) “You do a good job of not being judgemental.”
J: “I know better than to say anything.”
H: “It’s a really hard question. Yeah, I guess I do a good job? When I think about, for example, work. Do you do a good job at work? Yes, because you could list out tangible things that you do that are productive at work. I don't know how to do that with a marriage. What do you want me to say? I clean? I pay the bills on time?” (laughs) “What's an example of a good wife duty?”
J: “Personal qualities, like being emotionally understanding and being able to offer advice. I'm sure a lot of guys can say that they do that, but I don't think it's the first thing that a guy would say they’re able to contribute.”
H: “I don’t have to be the Porsche of wives.”
J: “You don’t, but it’s about what you want to be for your partner.”
Hannah and Joe finally agree that the best parts of their marriage are in their equal contributions, their ability to make up for each other's weaknesses, and have fun together.
The future
H: “When I think about the future, it’s in two main parts: us in our forties, at a good place financially, being a power couple, maybe running our own business?”
J: “You and your business idea…” (rolls eyes)
H: “And later, when the kids are out of home, we semi-retire and travel and live our best lives, doing our little things as old people.”
J: “I try not to look too far into the future. I think I have a hard enough time staying present.”
H: “Off with the fairies?” (laughs)
J: “I can sometimes struggle with what's right in front of me. If I put too much emphasis on the future and anchor myself to a particular idea, and it doesn't pan out, it creates anxiety; the situations that you don't have control over. So where possible, I try not to surrender myself to those kinds of situations where I don't need to, even if they are positive thoughts. I don't necessarily want to get tied to a positive thought. You get a lot of tunnel vision, so you don't open yourself up to opportunities that may come up between now and then because you're so focused on the end goal. The future is more exciting when you’re not planning it out so much.”
H: “Do you want to be a certain husband around our son?”
J: “He's a really thoughtful little boy, so I want to make sure that he keeps that element of himself. My dad would randomly do things and buy things for my mum, and so by me doing that around him, it will only, I think, strengthen those skills in him. That would be the husband I'd want to be around him.”
Marriage: yay or nay?
H: “Do you like being married?”
J: “It’s not something I give any thought to. If I didn't like being married, I wouldn't be doing it.
H: “I would like to think that a sign of a good marriage is not even registering that you’re even married; you don't have to be aware of it. It’s just: this is your life.”
J: “Exactly. It just is.”
H: “Obviously, couples go through their stuff. Truthfully, we’re lucky in that we haven’t had any big things pop up.”
H: “The only annoyance I’ve had with being married is the whole changing the surname thing. That’s just an administration nightmare. Otherwise, I like feeling like I’m part Italian now… that’s a little flex.”
J: “I know it is…” (more eye rolls)
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